drinkingtea

Here we stand.Bathed in lights.

Neon and flourescent

beautiful in sickly brilliant

our painted skin glows

glinting in the reflection of approval.

Peroxide Princesses dance past.Toothpaste smiles ;illuminating

Grasp for reality, replaced by insanity.

Queen supreme churns up pestilence like cream

Bow tied daddies flash keys to millions.

The surreptitous kisses of the city reign down upon us

call of the "wild" screams through sing-song sirens

falling victim to royalty

scanning the horizon.

Retreat into the trees, the darkness-it beckons

shadows infect with spindly tasseled fingers

creeping.creeping

submit to darkness

surrender to silence

but the luminosity stalks you

creeping. creeping

you will never be engulfed in ebony-

nothingness-never.

Here we stand. Bathed in lights.

Here the virgin moon moon blankets the ground.

A polished lump of untouched ivory

swallowed by the roars of vehemence

trees tipped in silver

purifies the promiscuous wind

softens, freezes the spiced breeze

bleaches, blushes, blesses.

..........................................................................................................

poets note: sorry if its kinda long, i wrote it for my english homework a few weeks ago, credit to fall out boy for 'peroxide princess', credit to Chuck Palhuniuk (sp?) for 'queen supreme' .thankyou so much if you bothered reading it!

Lone thing

bites lip

looking up

panda eyes

oh you've never seen blue glimmer so bright

bright dreams

bright hopes

bright thoughts

but tears glimmer brightest

oh so you all want a piece of this

you different, hovering shadows

she can only hold her chin up

just till she collapses

Cant take the strain 

of you different, hovering shadows.

Of

false lovers

sharp enemies (?)

dying friends

Oh so you all want a piece of this

you different, hovering shadows

Well you've pulled her apart, used her up

Nothings left.

I'm watching you

my eyes trace your every move

I see all you've become

you fall to your knees

your hands flailing desperately

but grasping at nothing

Down your face glistens everything you couldn't contain

In your eyes burns everything that you could

You collapse with the effort

the effort of staying strong

the effort of smiling

the effort of trying

There's no point when

nothing's going to get better

No point in blocking the blows

when there's no light

at the end of this dark tunnel

Why keep friends

..when you cant even keep yourself.

stainless steel

i may have made some mistakes

the thing about corners is that there's no turning back

no more shelter, no more knowledge

because i dont know where to go anymore

stainless steel

am i so wrong, that i forget even what ive become

i really need someone, anyone, just to know i exist

i hate to be a burden, but please dont give up on me

pathetic and wilting can have its pretty pretty perks

stainless steel

i wear this smile for you and only you

i cant bring you down with me, you may actually have a chance

you're everything i should have been

and everything i ever looked for in a friend

but as always ive fucked it up

seemingly you've caught on to what others would tell you

after all this time, finally uve accepted it

im sorry, i just wanted to be the greatest of companions

you deserve to soar on clouds, i just blacken them with rain

dont think me out of my place

you'll do just fine

stainless steel...

...now thats just a lie, stains linger

im frightened of how i find myself panicking when i cant find you..

...times lie ahead..

...but which kind i cannot be sure

location: my little messy shoebox room

listening to: the academy is (almost here)

ok so i havent written anything here in bloody ages, oops my bad, i guess things have been..interesting recently, my mum's about to kick me off here so im gonna hurry up. A...friend (well a few months ago we certainly were) reminded me about blogs and i remembered i hadnt written one in ages so here i am. Ive begun to realise certain things recently, ill expand on that later but straight to the point, the realisation of these things has made me pretty miserable, i lost a friend who meant a lot to me, they refuse to talk unless its being harsh or mocking but stupidly im desperate to stay friends and get back wat we had, dumb? maybe, but this feels like a friend keeping, she's actually an amazing person and its tearing me up that theres this ongoing conflict but enough of that, yea yea life sucks...still not long till boyslikegirls/metro station concert and whenever they feel like telling us the long-time anticipated cobra gig-wahey!

smile.

Quietly discussing

with serious expressions

situated in the hidden

corner of the room

different situations

thorough explanations

opening arms wide to inevitable doom

Quietly discussing

with serious expressions

situated in the hidden

corner of the room

different situations

thorough explanations

opening arms wide to inevitable doom

Here we stand.Bathed in lights.

Neon and flourescent

beautiful in sickly brilliant

our painted skin glows

glinting in the reflection of approval.

Peroxide Princesses dance past.Toothpaste smiles ;illuminating

Grasp for reality, replaced by insanity.

Queen supreme churns up pestilence like cream

Bow tied daddies flash keys to millions.

The surreptitous kisses of the city reign down upon us

call of the "wild" screams through sing-song sirens

falling victim to royalty

scanning the horizon.

Retreat into the trees, the darkness-it beckons

shadows infect with spindly tasseled fingers

creeping.creeping

submit to darkness

surrender to silence

but the luminosity stalks you

creeping. creeping

you will never be engulfed in ebony-

nothingness-never.

Here we stand. Bathed in lights.

Here the virgin moon moon blankets the ground.

A polished lump of untouched ivory

swallowed by the roars of vehemence

trees tipped in silver

purifies the promiscuous wind

softens, freezes the spiced breeze

bleaches, blushes, blesses.

..........................................................................................................

poets note: sorry if its kinda long, i wrote it for my english homework a few weeks ago, credit to fall out boy for 'peroxide princess', credit to Chuck Palhuniuk (sp?) for 'queen supreme' .thankyou so much if you bothered reading it!

I am the lie

i cause the shit.

I'm the niggle at the back of your mind

the voice in your head

the awkward itch

the unsettling thoughts.

I am the lie

i cause the shit.

Shadow of yourself

in turn followed by my baggage

passed you the burden,

unecessary, so sorry

i should have shouldered it alone-

after it was mine

and mine alone.

I am the lie

i cause the shit.

I dont blame you

i long ago got sick of myself

lets try to destroy her together

blackened ashes stain fingertips

i made the mistake

mistake of assumptions

assumptions and belief

belief in this goddamn nothing.

I am your lie

I cause your shit.

I am the lie

i cause the shit.

I'm the niggle at the back of your mind

the voice in your head

the awkward itch

the unsettling thoughts.

I am the lie

i cause the shit.

Shadow of yourself

in turn followed by my baggage

passed you the burden,

unecessary, so sorry

i should have shouldered it alone-

after it was mine

and mine alone.

I am the lie

i cause the shit.

I dont blame you

i long ago got sick of myself

lets try to destroy her together

blackened ashes stain fingertips

i made the mistake

mistake of assumptions

assumptions and belief

belief in this goddamn nothing.

I am your lie

I cause your shit.

i sit up at night

lying so tired

that im past all stages of being

all chances of sleeping

Watching the window

catch the latch in a blink

audible chatter drifts in

turn to a muted screen

watching women sell cancer

to children.

all smiles, plastered frowns

Well i dont know.

I radiate my adolescent naivety

i seek resolution to what

i am unsure exists or not

Just sleep. Just breath. Here.

i sit up at night

lying so tired

that im past all stages of being

all chances of sleeping

Watching the window

catch the latch in a blink

audible chatter drifts in

turn to a muted screen

watching women sell cancer

to children.

all smiles, plastered frowns

Well i dont know.

I radiate my adolescent naivety

i seek resolution to what

i am unsure exists or not

Just sleep. Just breath. Here.

listening to: escape the fate/ cute is what we aim for

location: shoebox

well i guess i havent made a journal thingy in a while but it doesnt matter coz noone reads it anyway lol. Things have been fairly shitty recently, Halloween was a flop, a very bad flop which ill write about some other time, ive been arguing with people recently and im desperate for a long holiday, i really would love to have summer back, i spent it in the States and it was so brilliant, i'd give anything to go back, i dont even have any concerts coming up soon to look foward to, the next one is cobra in Feb, (maybe Paramore day before fingers crossed) i swear sometimes (more than sometimes) it sucks living in London, it just seems to me that everything is so much more sparklier and better in America, they get the good weather, the good shops, good places to eat, the secret shows, the awesome tours and concerts, the earlier releases of films, the freebies, we miss out on so much over here, please please please let me get into an american university so i can get out of here lol, then maybe maybe i can pursue my dream of becoming a  musician, but i know how unlikely it would be for me to be sucessful. Ive been writing a lot of poetry/lyrics recently, maybe it just a creative month or something, i was up late watching the Amityville Horror last night at a friends house and eating Shortbread, ive lent her like 7 of my most beloved cd's (2x patd, 2x tai, the cab, infinity on high,cobra) in exchange she lent me cute is what we aim for-rotations and the new paramore final riot cd! I was so excited to get that, her dad works for some record company thing so he gets all this free stuff, she got the twilight soundtrack so we were listening to that (cant wait to see the film, *sigh* yes i am another teen caught under the twilight spell-but hey shame suckers, one thing for a londer like me to be proud of, Mr Edward cullen is from my little village, he's best friends with a few of my friends-ha ha) she said shes going to try to get me the live Panic cd, i swear i will dance on the tables if she does, i am so broke right now its dreadful, theres so much stuff i wanna buy like cd's and shirts and stuff but i have absolutly NO money, sucks, especially that xmas is approaching, so much to buy for people and nothing to buy it with, whats a legal way to make money at 15? I already babysitting but jobs have been few recently, i could become a hooker maaybe?? hmm time to ponder, ive got  a rehearsal for the play im doing at the moment soon, its so cool, its an adult play and i have a rather good part, more on that boring stuff later, i feel like playing zoo tycoon, bye for now, chins, spirits and fangs up.

-FMM

date :13th october

location:the shoebox

listening to:the maine

ok right, time to expand on my previous exclamation of this not so brilliant week, some good things?

well i did have my birthday, (which incidentally is why my age on here has changed-yea!) that was fun, i got some cool stuff,

(from the family) i got the new ipod nano in black, a bunch of jewellery, soundtrack of juno, old paramore album (all we know is falling) the quilt, Juno on dvd, amytiville horror old and new on dvd, chocolate, silver hand thing to hold necklaces n shit, money, ballooooooon,

(from friends)bracelet, copy of invisible monsters because i have stolen the library's copy, little peace stone, chocolate with my name on it! chocolate cigarettes, very inappropriately hilarious badges, paramore poster, new notebook-yay, slippers

so yea the birthday was fun, Fiona stayed over and we watched the panic at the disco dvd and ate pizza, that was good, saturday fingers crossed we're gonna celebrate my birthday, big picnic, im requesting for everyone to dress as a favourite musician or idol, i am going as spencer smith because i have the perfect outfit, skinny black jeans, shiny lovely shoes, flowery long sleeved shirt, black waistcoat, headband-and of course my drumsticks muha.

other things werent great, weekend before the 8th (birthday) me and mum had a massive argument, i was going to meet friends and she said i couldnt go, of course being the stubborn me, i stormed out, she had screamed at me for ages with me shouting back so of course i was late. I got back later that day to hell, i found all my belongings and pretty much my life stacked up in piles in the living room, i then walked into my 9-year old sisters room, the smallest in the house to find some of my stuff in there, and ill admit, i did stand there screaming obscene language at the top of my lungs, it was at that point that my mother ran in trying to make me calm down, she then told me that we were getting a lodger. Great, here is me, a person that has issues with trusting people having a stranger come to stay with us. Worse than that, i cannot find a lot of things AND a large portion of my posters have been torn, absolutely heart breaking.nojoke.

i have a headache right now. it hurts.

i dont want to grow up, but i want to be free from this stress, school is hard, home is hard, friendships are hard, i want to be a musician touring the world and having the time of my life. Shitty is such an understatement at this moment in time.

-FMM

time:00.32

date:god knows

listening to: ting tings

place:the shoebox

im tired so this will be fucking short, a lot has happened in a week an awful lot, its been great but mainly maybe not so great, ive now realised that people are all the same, im going to expand on that when my mind is relatively clear, but i think im about to pass out with exhaustion,

 i wish that girl would be herself, i hate to see her act like that, she pushes me away: stop acting like a corseted whore, flush the pills, coz theyre flushing your system, and ur personality, ur skankiness is overwriting your normal deep self, a shadowed glimmer of u is all that is visible, dont sink further than i can go, dont walk so far into the darkness that ill be unable to follow, or will be swallowed by own darkness and will be swept down  a different path. Think.of.before. Dont lose sight of the plan.

 that makes no sense and im glad, its not meant to for other eyes, merely mine own, my own little blue orbs and noone else, time to kiss my cat goodnight and fall asleep listening to rufus wainwright,

-FMM

Dont you get it?

i cannot be loved

i lack the basic eloquence and nature to be worthy of posession

i watch as the roses bloom

then shrivel

   and

         die

i watch as infatuation takes the hand of ignorance and skips happily past

i watch as others are consumed by whispered licks and lies of affection

i watch as they suffer at the hands of it....

....i watch this..

              ....and look away.

Dont you get it?

i cannot be loved

i lack the basic eloquence and nature to be worthy of possesion

i watch as the roses bloom

then shrivel

and die

i watch as infatuation takes the hand of ignorance and happily skips past

i watch as others are consumed by whipsered licks and lies of affection

i watch as they suffer at the hands of it....

.....i watch this, and look away.

-FMM

1st october

computer at the bottom of the stairs to my tower

listening to:youmeatsix

random thing--yaay a week till my brithday, i shall be so very old-(15)..but seriously i love being young...groan ups...LAMO..i actually cannot believe i laughed at that, i havent actually heard that joke since i was 8...too much sugar...becca's right though, im the eldest yet the most childlike of our group of frends LOL

anyway me and fiona are currently devising a plan...you see she's kinda fallen in love with a sottish terrier puppy that she saw in the harrod's pet department, he is so gorgeous and he's the last one left, she's even named him Ryan (his real name is jake) and he has this ebony soft coat and little crooked ears that flop downwards...only problem..?

...he sorta costs one thousand two hundred pounds...yea, umm like i sed...we are nearly 15 year olds..we have never touched that much money...well we can dream..we're gonna fundraise, and as i keep telling fiona, we should raise money ina  legal way if possible

lol *sigh that girl..ah well i better go, write later i guess

_FMM

30th september

ict room, school

listening to: 30h!3

yea sorry bout that pointless post from earlier, hell why am i apologising, its not like anyone except me ever reads this (except maybe jess if she can ever be bothered to come online lol) today was...umm long yea very long, we spent the last two periods of physics supposedly doing some long boring work on different means of producing energy through generators, me and jess of course however spent it on youtube dancing around in our seats and singing prehaps a bit too loudly, i have however developed the skill of minimising the page with lightning speed, so we were not caught-yay we have some skills, screw fossil fuels, watching taitv is faar more fun. Completely contradictory to that however i do enjoy science and up to a few months ago i was certain that i wanted to pursue science as a career, however i dunno why and/or how but it doesnt appeal to me as much anymore, i know its such a common thing to say, and i HATE sounding like a cloned sheep but i want to pursue music, i really want to sing, this came to me during summer some time, of course by then id already picked my choices for GCSE and i didnt take music (biggest regret of my life) maybe its after having a lead role in school musical and focusing on my singing so much, but ive made my mind up, im learning piano properly and im somehow persuading my brother to teach me guitar-why should he not share his talent? Hes making me pay him which is uber harsh but whatever, if mine and fiona's plan is to work, then ill need to remain focused. I cannot tell my mother, my brother let slip to her last night that i wanted to learn guitar and she just laughed, i said nothing and escaped upstairs, i despise being mocked but i dont want her to be disappointed in me, shes always said to me froma  young age that i could be a great scientist or sucessful...something-i mean christ she wrote in my effing baby book that she knew i could one day be the prime minister or a surgeon!!-what is it with parents and that pressure not to let them down? She knows that Henry will do music, and he'll probably be sucessful, eva is such a drama queen that she'll probably follow in dads footsteps and act (much to mum's dismay, of course), Grace isnt extremely academic, but i can see her as a nurse, or some job that involves caring and tidying for people...that of course leaves me, grreat, LEAVE THE BLONDE ALONE, i knew i shouldnt have taken accelerated set, i shouldnt have taken early examinations, im just gonna be a failure and let her down...hmm after rereading all this i see how insecure i am, i havent exactly considered my own life, it would make me so very happy and i would work so hard at it-and im so fucking stubborn that i wouldnt allow anything to get in my way. Ok then , plan:flo's future is a go-go.

Yea baby

...urgh i need to do my coursework..again with the the regrets-i probably shouldnt have taken French, im rubbish at it, ah well, seriosuly though, worst comes to the worst and ill become a nun...oh no wait..that wont work..im a darwinist which veers slightly too much to the atheist side of things...

...well maybe i could be a....umm.. asbo mum on benefits?..nah too dull..um heroin addict..no not my style...I KNOW..if all fails ill be an actress and be an even bigger disappointment! Yea, my dad would be so ridiculously thrilled

im tired therefore random *dances to 30h!3 dont trust me* fuck i love the lyrics in that song, they flow so well.. this is a bit too long, i think ill write a new journal,

yaay for the losers

-FMM

30th september

ict rooms, school

listening to: blink 182

great now the bell goes for next period, shortest journal in existence

-FMM